


Red for the Drink That's Mixed with Suicide

by Leathermouth



Category: Bandom, Panic! at the Disco
Genre: M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-24
Updated: 2012-12-24
Packaged: 2017-11-22 06:03:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,834
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/606591
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Leathermouth/pseuds/Leathermouth
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One mistake can have extremely large consequences.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red for the Drink That's Mixed with Suicide

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this after a dream I had.

“It’s not about that anymore, Ryan!” Brendon is pacing back and forth in front of the couch where Ryan is curled up. “You can’t keep blaming me for one little mistake I made!”

Ryan stares at the floor, not wanting to even look near his boyfriend. “It’s a more than _one little mistake_ when you sleep with my best friend four times,” he mutters, fumbling with his fingers. This is the end of RyanAndBrendon as a couple. They have been together for years, and have been through a lot, but Ryan can’t handle this anymore. If it had been one time that Brendon had slept with Spencer, Ryan may have been able to get over it. But four times? There’s no way someone can make a mistake of “accidentally” sleeping with someone _four_ times.  It’s not like he had tripped and just landed on top of Spencer’s dick.

Brendon stops pacing and stares at Ryan. “So this is really it, huh?” He asks throwing his arms out, his eyes filling with tears. Ryan looks up at him, his own eyes red and watery. He gives Brendon a short nod, causing Brendon to release a small choking noise, his tears spilling over. “Ryan, please,” he pleads. “We can work this out. I just… I know it was a mistake… I love you.”

Ryan shakes his head, burying his face into his hands. “I can’t anymore, Bren,” he breathes out shakily. “It’s too hard to trust you anymore. I…. I don’t even know if I can love you now.” Okay, that last part is a lie, but he knows he has to say it if he wants to get it across to Brendon that they are through. He hears Brendon choke out a sob, followed closely by quick footsteps and the slam of Ryan’s front door.

As soon as the echo of the door finishes resounding throughout the empty living room, Ryan lets go, sobbing into his arms. His beagle Hobo waddles up to him and jumps onto the couch, nuzzling against his side. Ryan picks up the dog, hugging her close to his chest as he rocks back and forth, his tears running down into Hobo’s soft, multicolored fur. Ryan thinks back to when he first got Hobo. Brendon had gotten her as a present for Ryan on their second Christmas together as a couple, but Ryan had found out early because Brendon had forgotten to hide the large bag of dog food.  His tears thicken, constricting his throat and making it hard to breathe. He gasps for air, trying to control himself, but he knows it’s no use.

He deserved this pain. He deserved it for not forgiving Brendon. Brendon was the best thing that had ever happened to him, and he had let it go running out of his house and out of his life. Ryan pushes up off the couch and rushes to the bathroom, falling to his knees, and releases the contents of his stomach into the porcelain toilet. He rests his cheek on the seat before sliding down and curling into a ball on the cold, tile floor. Hobo paddles in, plopping down next to him and burrowing under Ryan’s arms, against his chest.  He pulls a towel down from the bar and wraps it around himself and Hobo before crying himself quietly to sleep.

Ryan opens his eyes to see that the bathroom is lit up from the bright, morning sun. He sits up and flexes his arms out, cringing at the stiffness from having slept on the hard floor. Grabbing onto the counter, he pulls himself up and stares at his reflection in the mirror. He looks awful. As if he has not slept in days and his skin is so pale it is almost translucent. He sighs, flipping on the hot water and leans down to splash it over his face.  He scrubs his skin until it feels raw and leans down, picking up the towel from the floor and wipes off his face.

He looks back in the mirror and decides he still looks like he should be dead, but there’s not much he can do about it. He sighs and turns, padding out into the living room. Ryan picks his phone up from the coffee table and decides maybe he should call Brendon. He had made a mistake. Brendon was everything to him, he couldn’t live without him. They could work this out.

He scrolls to his name and hits the call button. It rings 6 times before going to Brendon’s voicemail. Ryan listens to his own voice tell him that Brendon isn’t available because he’s miraculously obtained a life but he’ll call him back. He smiles a little, remembering the day that he and Brendon had recorded each other’s voicemails.

“Hey, Bren,” He says softly. “Listen, we really need to talk. I think I made a major mistake. I still love you and that’s not changing… Just… give me a call back, alright? I love you.” He hangs up and tosses his phone onto the sofa before walking to the kitchen to try and find something to eat.

As he’s rummaging through the fridge, he hears his phone go off and runs back to the living room.

_Give them blood, blood, gallons of the stuff…._

He sees “Bren<3” flash across the screen and is quick to answer it. “Bren,” He breathes. “I’m so sorry-“

“Ryan,” Zoe, Brendon’s sister, cuts him off. “Oh Ryan…” She’s crying and Ryan feels his heart   hit the bottom of his stomach.

“W-what,” He stutters out, not sure if he wants to hear the answer or not.

“Brendon’s gone,” she sobs into the phone. Ryan feels himself sink to the floor and he covers his face with his free hand.

“Gone?” He asks even though already knows what she means.

“He slit his throat, Ryan,” She chokes out. “He left a note. It’s addressed to you.”

Ryan can feel the tears start to flood his eyes and his breath catches in his throat. “Okay,” he sobs out. “I’ll come over now and get it.”

“I’m so sorry, Ry,” Zoe says before the line clicks off and Ryan is left listening to the buzzing of the dial tone.

 _Gone_. Brendon is gone. He can feel his throat constricting again, like last night but much worse. Brendon is gone and he has a feeling it is entirely his fault. He lets his sobs ring out from him, echoing in the empty room around him.

He is never going to see Brendon’s dorky smile when he is trying to cheer Ryan up out of one of his many bad moods. He’d never hear the little giggle Brendon did whenever he did something right. No more late night chats about life and the universe. No more silly little arguments. No more anything.

Ryan feels like he is going to split in half. As if there is now a huge, gaping hole in his chest where his heart and Brendon had been. Brendon’s last words to him had been, “I love you” and all Ryan had given him in return was a lie about how he couldn’t love Brendon anymore. He feels sick to his stomach again and runs back to the bathroom to relieve himself again.

Eventually, Ryan is able to control himself enough to drive over to Brendon’s, where Zoe and her mother are sitting at the small kitchen table, crying into tissues. Both women get up and give Ryan tight hugs when he walks in.

Ryan feels himself becoming emotional again and strains himself to control it. He does not want to have another breakdown, especially in front of Brendon’s family. He looks to the table where he could see a sealed envelope with his name on it in Brendon’s scratchy handwriting.

“May I?” He asks, looking between the girls. Both nod their heads and Brendon’s mom grabs it, handing it to him. He thanks them and walksback out of the house to his car, not wanting to be in the house anymore. That’s where Brendon had died. He has no desire to set foot in there ever again. He gets in his car, starting it and pulling a quick u-turn before driving towards the city limits. He knows the perfect place to read the letter.

It doesn’t take long before he finally comes across the old, dirt road that he was searching for. He turns down it, careful to slow down and not spin out. Eventually he arrives back in a heavily forested area that surrounds a beautiful pool of crystal blue water. It’s the first place him and Brendon had kissed and he and Ryan had always come here for various special occasions.

He exits the car, holding the sealed envelope in his hand and walks over to the large rock that perched over the water’s edge. He sits down, dangling his feet over the water, barely skimming his shoes across the surface. He thinks back to the time when he and Brendon had first kissed and immediately after, Brendon had smiled and pushed him off the rock and into the freezing water below.

Ryan smiles at the memory and sighs, looking down at the unopened letter. This is it. The last words he will ever read from the first boy he had ever truly experienced love with, and probably the only one there would ever be. He feels his eyes prickle with tears again, but pushes them back, willing himself to be stronger than this. He has to be.

He carefully peels the envelope open, not wanting to ruin it. Ryan pulls out the folded up sheet of paper and unfolds it, holding his breath.

_Ryan-_

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry I fucked up. I’m sorry for breaking your trust. I’m sorry for hurting you, not only in what I did, but what I’m about to do. I’m sorry I made you not love me. I’m sorry I can only say sorry and I know it won’t even fix anything between us. But most of all, I’m sorry for loving you when you obviously deserve much better. I know it means nothing and I’ve said it eight times already, but I really am truly sorry. I wish we could have fixed this, but like you said, we can’t. I never meant to hurt you. Knowing that you were so hurt, has hurt me more than you’ll ever know and that’s why I have to do this. I’m sorry._

_I love you,_

_Brendon_

Taped below his name is a picture of Brendon and Ryan from after one of their shows on the Nothing Rhymes with Circus tour. Both of them are smiling and laughing, clearly just happy to have each other’s company. Ryan smiles through the tears falling down his cheeks and folds the note back up, slipping it into the envelope.

“I’m sorry, Brendon,” he whispers to the air around him. “I love you. Always have, and always will.”


End file.
